I finished this book in November 2024. I recommend this book 5/10.
Why you should read this book:
Words matter. In this book, Jonah Berger provides insights on how certain words can have a great impact on people trusting you or for you to show you care. The book also provides evidence of using words with specific people without knowing them by analyzing big groups of texts, like from LA traffic stops.
Get your copy here.
🚀 The book in three sentences
Words matter; specific words scientifically change the outcome.
Expressing doubts can make people change their minds. Follow-up questions can make them like you more.
Use concrete language so people know you heard them and care.
📝 My notes and thoughts
P22. Want people to listen? Ask them to be a listener. Want them to lead? Ask them to be a leader. Want them to work harder? Encourage them to be a top performer. The same idea can even be used to encourage people to avoid negative behaviors. Dishonesty is costly. Workplace crime, for example, costs US businesses over more than $50 billion a year. But although people are often encouraged to behave ethically or do the right thing, identity language may be more effective. Indeed, research finds that rather than saying "Don't cheat," saying "Don't be a cheater" more than halved the amount of cheating. People were less likely to cheat when doing so would signal they held an undesirable identity.
P25. Saying "I can't" often implies that we want to do the thing, but something or someone else is getting in the way. Some external constraints (e.g., a doctor, spouse, or something else) are stopping us from doing what we'd like to do. Saying "I don't," however, suggests something quite different. When asked to complete "I don't" statements, the type of reason people list changes dramatically.
P27. While "I can't" isn't as effective in avoiding temptation because it suggests the driver of behavior is external, this same reason actually makes it particularly useful for turning down unwanted requests. Saying you can't serve on the task force because your boss asked you to mentor a new hire or that you can't go beyond the agreed-upon scope because it will delay the final product and distance you from the refusal. It's not you saying no because you didn't want to be helpful; it's another external thing getting in the way. You want to help, but the other things prevent you.
P31. Researchers from Harvard conducted an experiment. They put together different moral dilemmas, similar to the sick pet, and examined how people solved them. And to see whether they could increase creative problem-solving, they had one group of people approach the problems slightly differently. Rather than taking the default approach or thinking about what one should do, the researchers asked them to think about what they could do instead. This simple shift made a big difference. People who thought about what they could do came up with much better solutions. They were of higher quality and three times as creative. Rather than getting bogged down in which of two imperfect options was best, asking people to think about what they could do encouraged them to bring different mindsets to the problem. To take a step back, get some distance from the situation, and think more broadly. To consider multiple objectives, alternatives, and outcomes. To recognize that there might be other possibilities.
P37. "Jane, you can do this. You've given a ton of speeches before." Outside language helped speakers see things more objectively, making the situation less anxiety-inducing. They felt fewer negative emotions and appraised the situation in more positive terms. More as a challenge that they could cope with, or rise up to meet, rather than a threat that they felt unprepared for or overwhelmed by. And similar effects have been found in other domains. Whether choosing food or considering a health scare, shifting away from first-person language encouraged better outcomes by distancing people from the situation. It led them to choose healthier food, or focus on the facts. By encouraging people to think about themselves as an outsider would, shifting language made them better off. The same principle can be applied to a host of situations. Practicing positive self-talk, for example, helps athletes perform better. Professional athletes often imagine success, practice multiple scenarios, or even repeat a mantra during training. When trying to pump themselves up for competition, for example. athletes often tell themselves, "You can do it!" Saying "I can do it!" can feel a bit forced, but taking an outsider's perspective feels more natural and may be easier to apply.
P51. Whether choosing a money manager, listening to a witness, or picking a president, listeners are more persuaded when communicators seem certain, or confident about what they are communicating. Because when people speak with certainty, we're more likely to think they're right. Which candidate will do the best job? It's hard to know for sure, but if one speaks with certainty, it's harder to believe they could be wrong. After all, they just seem so confident.
P53. We hedge all the time. We note that we "think" something will work, that a solution "could" be effective, or that an alternative approach "might" work better. We suggest that something "seems" like a good course of action or that, "in our opinion," something else is worth trying. But without our realizing it, hedging can undermine our impact because while we're sharing our thoughts or recommendations, by hedging, we're simultaneously undercutting them. We're suggesting that we're not sure those thoughts and recommendations are worth pursuing. Here is a list of examples:
May/might
Could
Seem/seemed
Probably
Maybe
Appears
In my opinion
I think
It seems to me
I believe
I guess
I suppose
Kind of
Sort of
Around
About
Generally
A bit
P55. Definites do more than signal a lack of uncertainty. They suggest that things are 110 percent clear. The speaker is confident, and the course of action is obvious. Making listeners more likely to follow them, and whatever they suggest doing. Here are examples of Definites:
Definitely
Clearly
Obviously
Undeniable
Guaranteed
Irrefutable
Absolutely
Everyone
Unambiguous
Unquestionable
Essential
Every time
P55. In cases where we do want to signal some uncertainty, use the right hedges. Rather than saying, "It seems like this will work," for example, personalizing it by saying, "It seems to me like this will work," actually increases persuasion because it conveys confidence. It says that you recognize that there is uncertainty, but you are admitting it.
P60. So rather than saying "um" or "uh," take a second to pause. People will perceive us more positively and be more likely to follow our suggestions. Overall, then, the research on hedges and hesitations has clear implications. Giving a big presentation? Making an important sales pitch? Replace words, phrases, or actions that signal uncertainty with language that conveys conviction. When someone says a solution is obvious or the results are unequivocal, it exudes confidence. It suggests that rather than simply sharing an opinion, someone is sharing a truth about the world. And as a result, others are more likely to go along.
P65. Want to increase your influence? When presenting the results of a big project, talk about what you find rather than what you found. Talk about how people are doing something rather than how they were doing it. Even saying the food at a restaurant is rather than excellent will make others more likely to go there. Turning pasts into presents will make others more likely to listen to what we have to say.
P67. When trying to change the minds of people who disagree with us, we often think that it's best to be direct. We assume that if we just lay out the facts and provide unbiased information, the other side will come around to our way of thinking. But not everyone sees "facts" the same way. Particularly when people feel strongly about something, motivated reasoning often encourages them to avoid or ignore information that threatens or challenges their beliefs. Consequently, when trying to win over the other side, being too direct can backfire, leading the other person to become even more convinced of their initial opinion. Indeed, rather than being convincing, persuasive messages actually led a decent chunk of study participants to shift their opinions in the opposite direction.
P79. A better type of question to ask is one that follows up on what was just said. If someone says they're a foodie, for example, asking them what types of food they like to eat. If someone says they're concerned a new project isn't working, asking them why they feel that way. And if someone says they can't wait for the weekend, ask them what they are looking forward to. Follow-up questions encourage conversation partners to elaborate further. To say more, provide more detail or give more texture. And whether talking to friends or strangers, clients or colleagues, people who ask follow-up questions are perceived more positively. Indeed, when researchers analyzed dating conversations, they found that follow-up questions were particularly helpful in generating a positive impression. People who asked more follow-up questions were more likely to be asked on a second date.
P84. Deflecting works in a host of difficult situations. In negotiations, for example, when asked what the highest amount is that we're willing to pay, we can respond by asking, "Is there a number you have in mind?" Or when asking in an interview what the salary of our last position was, we can respond by asking, "Can you share a bit more detail about the salary range for this position?" Deflecting even works when, rather than keeping information private, we're just trying to protect the question-asker's feelings. When someone ask if a presentation went well, or a piece of clothing looks good on them, and the answer is no, deflection can help us soften the blow. Questions things like "How do you think it went? or "Interesting, where can I buy something like it?" avoids unnecessarily negative feedback and allows us to sort out whether it's worth telling them nicely or just leaving well enough alone.
P90. But it's not enough just to be direct. We have to be direct in a way that not only shows that we're aware that there could be negative information but also that we are assertive enough to keep looking for it until we find it. Sure, a landlord isn't motivated to reveal that the neighbors have wild parties, rowdy kids, and a barking dog. But asking questions like "How are the neighbors?" won't encourage them to reveal that information. Instead, we have to phrase questions the right way (e.g., have residents ever complained about the neighbors in the past?). Avoid (positive) assumptions, and we're much more likely to get a straight answer.
P107. Those lime green Nikes are more concrete than them, at your door is more concrete than there, and your money back is more concrete than a refund, which is more concrete than something. The words used are more specific, tangible, and real. These variations might seem like simple turns of phrase, but they have an important impact on how customers feel about the interaction. Using concrete language significantly increased customer satisfaction. When customer service agents used more concrete language, customers were more satisfied with the interaction and thought the agent had been more helpful. And the benefits of linguistic concreteness extended beyond how customers felt. When we analyzed almost a thousand email interactions from a different retailer, we found similar effects on purchase behavior. When employees used more concrete language, customers spent 30 percent more with the retailer in the following weeks. Talk may seem cheap, but this time, it more than paid off.
P109. When your partner talks about a tough day at the office, for example, it's easy to say something like, "That must have been tough," or "What a drag." But such responses are so abstract that they're less likely to have the intended impact. They're so general that they don't show we actually care. Concrete language is more effective. "I can't believe the vice president showed up forty-five minutes late," or "How frustrating that the projector didn't work." Using concrete language shows that we listened and we cared. The same goes for interacting with clients. Using concrete language shows that we understand the specifics and can build on or respond to them.
P119. Want to help people understand a complex idea, feel heard, or remember what was said? Using verbs that focus on actions (e.g., walk, talk, help, or improve), for example, rather than adjectives (e.g., honest, aggressive, or helpful). Talking about physical objects or using evocative language to help them see what we're saying. But if we want people to think our idea has potential or that we're forward-thinking visionary, abstract language is more effective. Abstract language also suggests that communicators are more powerful and would be better managers or leaders. Using abstract language to describe everyday activities (e.g., describing ignoring someone as "showing dislike" rather than "not saying hello") makes people seem more focused on the big picture and, thus, more powerful, dominant, and in control. Similarly, hearing someone describe a product more abstractly (i.e., "nutritious" rather than "containing lots of vitamins") makes them seem more fit to be a manager or leader. Would abstract language be as memorable or help listeners understand a complex idea? Probably not. But if they were deciding who to vote for or promote to a managerial role, abstract language would be more likely to move them in the right direction.
P120. More generally, when trying to make language either more concrete or more abstract, one helpful approach is to focus on either the how or the why. Want to be more concrete? Focus on the how. How does a product meet consumer needs? How does a proposed new initiative address an important problem? Thinking about how something is or will be done encourages concreteness. It focuses on feasibility and helps generate concrete descriptions. Want to be more abstract? Focus on the why. How does a product meet consumer needs? Why does a proposed new initiative address an important problem? Thinking about why something is good or right encourages abstractness. It focuses on its desirability and helps generate abstract descriptions.
P137. Think about eating chocolate chips. The first chip is delicious: sweet, melt-in-your-mouth goodness. The second chip is also pretty good. But by the fourth, fifth, or tenth chip in a row, the goodness is no longer as pleasurable. We adapt. Interspersing positive experiences with less positive ones, however, can slow adaption. Eating a Brussels sprout between chocolate chips or viewing commercials between parts of TV shows disrupts the process. The less positive moments make the following positive ones new again and thus more enjoyable. Something similar in stories. In finance, "volatility" describes the variability of a stock, asset, or market. More volatile assets have greater swings in valuation. Sometimes they go up, sometimes they go down, but they're so erratic that it's hard to know what will happen when. The same goes for narratives. Emotionally volatile stories are unpredictable. Things might generally be getting better, but at any moment, it's hard to know whether they'll get better or worse.
P155. Most people would like to be more effective communicators. Telling better stories, have better conversations, make better presentations, or build better content. By understanding the value of emotional language, we can do all that and more. To leverage emotions' power:
Highlight the hurdles. As long as we're already seen as competent, revealing past shortcomings can make people like us more, not less.
Build a roller coaster. The best stories blend highs and lows. So, to increase engagement, know when to go negative. Talking about all the failures along the way makes the successes evermore sweet.
Mix-up moments. The same intuition applies to moments as well. Smooth rides are easy but not the most engaging, so to hold people's attention, mix it up a bit.
Consider the context. When trying to persuade, it's not just enough to say something positive. Emotional language can help in hedonic domains like movies and vacations, but backfire in more utilitarian domains like job applications or software.
Connect, then solve. Solving problems requires understanding people. So, rather than jumping into solutions, connect with the person first. Starting with warmer, more emotional language helps set things up for the more cognitive, problem-solving discussion that comes later.
Activate uncertainty. The right words can make any topic or presentation more captivating. Evoking uncertain emotions (e.g., surprise) will keep people engaged.
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