I finished this book in August 2024. I recommend this book 5/10.
Why you should read this book:
You should read to this to remind yourself that life is a constant change. The book is about an overall mindset about being rugged and flexible, and will provide you advice on how to balance discipline and self-care. The book don't have practical advice for business or life-changing events, like going through a divorce, or lose your job.
Get your copy here.
🚀 The book in three sentences
Everything is constantly changing—be fluid and adapt. Rugged and Flexible.
Be disciplined and kind to yourself.
Be grounded in core values—be aware that your core values can change over time.
📝 My notes and thoughts
P9. If you start lifting weights or gardening regularly, the skin on your hands will almost always become disturbed. Instead of futilely trying to stay smooth, eventually it will develop calluses so it can better meet the challenge. If you are accustomed to constantly shifting your attention in a digital world, your brain will, at first, resist reading a book with no distractions. But if you stay at it, eventually, your brain adapts and rewires itself for focus, which scientists call neurogenesis or neuroplasticity. Still, another example is experiencing depression or heartbreak. Recovery is not going back to how you were before you experienced intense psychic pain. Rather, it is moving forward, usually with a greater tolerance for emotional distress and increased compassion for others who are suffering. In these examples, you achieve stability not by fighting change or getting back to where you were. But rather by skillfully working with change and arriving at someplace new.
P12. While some things in life truly are either/or—you are either driving the speed limit, or you are not; you are either pregnant or you are not—many are both/and. For example, decision-making is not about reason or emotion; it is about reason and emotion. Toughness is not about self-discipline or self-compassion; it is about self-discipline and self-compassion. Progress in just about any endeavor is not about hard work or rest; it is about hard work and rest. Philosophers call this kind of thinking non-dual. Non-dual thinking recognizes that the world is complex, that much is nuanced, and that truth is often found in paradox: not this or that, but this and that. Non-dual thinking is an important, albeit spectacularly underused, concept in many facets of life.
P16. A road resists the landscape; instead of working with its environment, it plows over whatever is in its way. When you are traveling on a road, you know your destination. If you get knocked off, it is an unambiguously bad thing; you get back on and assume smooth travel again. Interesting opportunities may be calling you from the sides, but when you are on the road, the goal is to stay on the road, to get where you are going as fast as you can. A path, on the other hand, is quite different. It works in harmony with its surroundings. When you are traveling on a path, you may have a general sense of where you are going, but you are open to navigating, perhaps even making use of whatever detours arise. A path is not separate from its environment but rather part of it. If you get knocked off a road, it can be traumatizing and disorienting. But there is no getting knocked off a path since it is always unfolding and revealing itself to you. A road resists time and the elements, building up tension until, eventually, it cracks and crumbles. A path embraces change and is constantly rerouting itself accordingly. Though at first, a road may seem stronger, a path is far more robust, durable, and persistent. Cultivating a strong and enduring sense of self means treating your life like a path. It requires that you do not become too attached to any period of "order" or to any specific route, which usually causes more harm than good and leads to all manner of missed opportunities.
P44. Open to the flow of life:
Embrace non-dual thinking: not this or that, but this and that.
Denying change may feel better in the short run, but it almost always feels worse in the long run, limiting the depth, texture, and potential for genuine excellence in one's life.
Many of our problems, both individually and societally, result from resisting change.
Only once we open to the flow of life and arrive at a genuine acceptance of change can things start to fall into place, empowering us to proceed pragmatically and productively on our respective paths.
There are immense benefits to adopting a being over a having orientation; you become more rugged and flexible and less fragile to change. The things that you own no longer own you.
If you catch yourself butting up against a wall, consider the inescapability trigger: What would it look like to fully accept your reality as it is? How might you work with it differently?
Without change, our existence would become tedious and boring. If we are to live meaningful lives, change is simply part of the deal.
P50. For example, most people rate more positively and experience in which they wait in a slow line for forty-five minutes and then the line speeds up in the last ten minutes versus just waiting in a slow line for forty-five minutes, even though the total wait time is longer in the first condition.
P57. Research shows that individuals who face life with a mindset of tragic optimism—in particular, those who expect a fair share of change and hardship—have advantageous physical and psychological responses to stress. They feel less pain, gain more fortitude, and are more likely to successfully move forward following disruption. Just think about how many times a toddler falls while learning to walk or run. They may get bumps and bruises, but they certainly don't feel as much pain or get as discouraged as would an adult. At that stage of development, toddlers don't expect anything less than a massive struggle, and thus, they are ready to confront it.
P70. Expect it to be hard:
A key characteristic that separates allostasis, the new and more accurate model of change, from homeostasis, the old model, is that allostasis has an anticipatory component: whereas homeostasis is agnostic to expectations, allostasis states that expectations shape our experience.
Happiness at any given moment is a function of your reality minus your expectations. Our culture pushes us to wear rose-tinted glasses and "think positive," but we have a better chance of feeling and doing good if we set realistic expectations—including that things change all the time, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse.
Our brains are constantly trying to predict what will happen next and then align those predictions with reality—when our predictions are off, we benefit from updating them as swiftly as we can.
There are numerous advantages to cultivating an outlook of tragic optimism, relaxing that life contains inevitable pain and suffering yet moves with grace and grit nonetheless.
When confronted with significant challenges, instead of being a Pollyanna or wallowing in despair and nihilism, both of which are maladaptive, do what you can to commit to wise hope and wise action. Like it or not, this is what is happening right now; I am going to focus on what I can control, do the best I can, and come out the other side.
Suffering equals pain times resistance; the more you can shed your resistance, the exponentially better you'll feel and do.
P74. It is widely known that endurance athletes make some of the best philosophers. Running, skating, cycling, and swimming are all solitary endeavors. Anyone who takes these pursuits seriously ends up spending a whole lot of time in their own head. Van der Poel, who trained for upward of seven hours per day during his preparation for the Olympics, was no exception. In those seven hours, he reflected extensively on his identity and self-worth.
P93. The same ego that helps us meet our basic needs, healthfully separate from our caretakers, and protect ourselves from threats can also cause feelings of isolation, anxiety, and existential distress. The essential skill, then, is to realize when our ego's current manifestation of service to us, and learn to leave it behind when it is not. When I'm at an intersection, and the light turns from red to green, it is very important that I identify with an ego that is separate and in control so that I can proceed to hit the gas and get on my way. Same when I'm trying to make a big lift at the gym. When I become an empty nester, or I'm sick or on my deathbed, however, I'd much rather identify with an ego that is vast, interconnected, and not an over-controller. These may be extreme examples, but they elucidate a critical point: even the ego itself can be a fluid and flexible concept if we choose to make it one.
P99. Cultivate a fluid sense of self:
Like water, a fluid sense of self can go into and fill any one space; but it can also flow out of that space when necessary, changing shape without changing form.
A fluid sense of self is non-dual it is:
not differentiated or integrated, but differentiated and integrated
not independent or interdependent, but independent and interdependent
not separate or connected, but separate and connected
not conventional or ultimate, but conventional and ultimate
The more we can conceptualize our identities, non-dually, holding all of these contradictions at once, the better we'll be and do.
By conceiving of ourselves in a fluid manner, change, be it internal or external, become less threatening: our identities become more rugged and flexible and thus better able to endure and persist over the long haul, including throughout countless cycles of order, disorder, and reorder.
P106. This subject matter is particularly important, so it's worth a quick summary: Core values are your guiding principles. It is good to have three to five (an extended list of example core values is in the appendix on page 203). Define each of our core values in specific terms and come up with a few ways that you can practice them in day-to-day life. The goal is to take what can seem like lofty qualities and attributes and make them as tangible as possible. When you are confronted with change and disorder, use your core values to navigate into the unknown. Ask yourself how you'd move in the direction of your core values and in what new ways you might practice them. If an outside force is requiring that you leave your core values behind—that there is genuinely no constructive way you can apply them in the new reality—then that is generally a good sign to consider fighting back. Though it is not necessary, it is normal for your core values to change over time. Navigating the world using your current core values is what guides you to your new ones.
P115. Times executive editor Dean Baquet: "I always try to question the difference between what is truly tradition and core and what is merely habit. A lot of stuff we think is core is truly just habits. I think that's the most important part about leading a place going through dramatic change and even generational change. Here's what's not going to change—this is core, this is who we are—and everything else is sort of up for grabs."
P120. Develop Rugged and Flexible Boundaries:
Your core values are the principles by which you live; they serve as the rugged boundaries of your identity, guiding how you differentiate, integrate, and navigate your path.
It is good to have three to five core values. Define each in specific terms and come up with a few ways you can practice each in day-to-day life.
When you feel the ground shifting underneath you, when you don't know your next move, you can ask yourself, how might I move in the direction of my core values? Or, if that isn't possible, you might consider, how might I protect them?
Flexibility is about continually adjusting how you practice and apply your core values in ways that are true to yourself but also in harmony with your changing circumstances.
It is normal for your core values to change over time. Navigating the world using your current core values is what guides you to discover your new ones.
"Early plasticity, later rigidity" means that values-driven actions are particularly important during periods of change and disorder; they have outsize impact in shaping the future.
P136. The Law of Affect says that while our thoughts are undoubtedly important, it is predominately our feelings—our affect—that dominates our consciousness and thus directs us this way or that. As such, we tend to repeat behaviors that make us feel good. The SEEKING pathway, and the dopamine that fuels it, is implicated in many of these behaviors—be it planning or taking micro steps to exert agency and achieve goals. The result is a virtuous cycle: if we deliberately respond to uncertain situations, we feel good, and we become more likely to deliberately respond again. Remember, this is so important because the RAGE pathway is automatically turned off when SEEKING pathway is turned on. Once we get into a productive groove, our brains are less likely to be hijacked by hot and potentially destructive emotions.
P146. When you find yourself confronted with uncertainty and change, imagine that a friend or colleague is in the same situation as you. Visualize deeply that they are going through what you are. How would you look at that friend? What advice would you give them? Studies out of the University of California, Berkley, show that this method helps people see clearly and respond wisely during all manner of circumstances, particularly when the stakes are high. You can also imagine an older and wiser version of yourself, perhaps ten, twenty, or even thirty years down the road. Maybe future- you are sitting in a cozy library and sipping on bourbon or tea. Or maybe you've got your grandchildren or lifelong friends over. What advice would your older and wiser future-you give to your current self? What would it look like to follow that counsel right now?
P153. Respond Not React:
During period of change and disorder, separate what you cannot control from what you can, and then focus on the latter while trying not to waste time and energy on the former.
Becoming fixated on any given path or outcome often yields suboptimal results; instead, work on developing zanshin, or a broader, more curious, and more inclusive awareness.
The best way to shift from RAGE pathway and react to the SEEKING pathway and responding is by practicing the 4Ps:
Pause by labeling your emotions
Process by practicing non-identification, viewing your situation with remove
Plan by self-distancing and gaining even greater perspective as you evaluate your options
Proceed by taking micro-steps, treating each as an experiment and adjusting as you go
If you get into the habit of responding instead of reacting, you develop what psychologists refer to as self-efficacy, a secure confidence borne out of the evidence-based belief that you are capable of showing up and taking deliberate actions during change and difficulties. The more self-efficacy you develop, the less threading change and disorder become. The mediums from which you consume information shape your temperament; prioritize responsive ones and avoid reactive ones—your health, and perhaps that of society, depends on it.
P169. When someone feels lost or broken, explains Stanford psychiatrist Anna Lembke, they are primed for what she calls the fundamental spiritual pivot. "That is when we can give [our direction] over to something outside of ourselves. It can take many different forms. But the key piece is acknowledging that we are not in control, and that when we ask the universe, such as it were, to guide us or help us, that simple reorientation totally changes decision-making, it changes so many things about how we proceed in our lives." Lembke, a serious scientist who specializes in treating patients with severe substance abuse disorder and behavioral addictions, says that when her patients experience this fundamental spiritual pivot when they throw their hands up and are forced to look to something larger than themselves for help, they start to find a way forward.
P183. Making Meaning and Moving Forward:
Growth and meaning unfold on their own schedule we need to give our psychological immune systems time to process the significant changes and disruptions in our lives. Our perceptions of time slow during difficulties; just knowing this helps is to be patient and persist; what feels awful today almost certainly won't feel as bad in far-off tomorrow.
Though we cannot force meaning and growth, a few concrete tactics can help us to usher them in:
Practice humility and surrender, which does not mean doing nothing but rather releasing from the need to fix or control unfixable or uncontrolable situations.
Ask for and receive help: beware of getting pulled into the vortex of extreme optimization and productivity at the expense of nurturing friendships and building community.
Practice voluntary simplicity, develop routines, and create rituals.
Separate real fatigue from take fatigue—remember that the former calls for rest. And the latter calls for nudging yourself into action.
Do what you can to let your suffering turn into compassion for yourself and others.
With each major cycle of order, disorder, and reorder that we navigate, the next one becomes just a little easier.
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