I finished this book in November 2024. I recommend this book 10/10.
Why you should read this book:
As always with Derek Sivers, the book is short chapters and a fast read. The book is full of small mind challenges to our everyday thinking. Each chapter got a little bit better and on the last page, you wish there was more.
Get your copy here.
🚀 The book in three sentences
Push yourself towards the edges of life's rules.
You can escape by going out in nature and to your basic self.
Explore with less.
📝 My notes and thoughts
P12. Kids make up rules for games. "Got you!", "No, I was still touching the base, remember?", "OK, but no tag-backs for five seconds." Instead of playing by the rules, they're playing with the rules—playing with the game itself. Changing the game is part of the fun. We can still do this. Rules set expectations and the terms of the game. They're a useful starting point, but they're not the final answer.
P17. Middle of the night. You're fast asleep. You hear a loud "BANG!' downstairs. Your body kicks into emergency danger mode. Eventually, you find out that your cat has knocked over the broom. Mystery solved. Back to sleep. You're trying to enjoy a quiet day at the park, but this annoying little girl won't stop screaming. You leave the park, angry at a stranger. On your way out, you see the girl has been screaming in pain because she fell out of a tree, and her leg is clearly broken. Your anger is replaced with sympathy. These two stories are similar. When something is confusing, alarming, or unexplained, we assume the worst. But once it's explained, we relax. When we don't understand someone, they feel like an outsider—maybe subconsciously an enemy. It's primal and tribal to feel defensive. Our ancestors had reasons to be wary and survived by being suspicious. But once we learn the reason, cause, or origin of someone's behavior or belief, we can start to feel empathy and connection.
P24.When I started writing this book, my friend asked me for an example of what I consider to be true. I said science. He's a scientist, so he got a good long laugh and said, "No no no! Science is useful but not true!" Then he explained. In the scientific process, nothing is final or complete. No model is "true". Each one just aims to be less and less wrong. Every conclusion is an invitation to improve it and try to supersede them. It's better to be curious than correct. It's intellectual humility.
P33. My mom inherited an ugly painting from her mom. It hung in the living room, and visitors would comment on how it felt wrong. But she kept it there for sentimental reasons. One day, when she took it out to be reframed, they found the artist's signature and date written underneath the old frame. Turns out the painting had been hanging upside-down this whole time. turned right-side-up, it looked much better. Kind of like beliefs. We inherit pictures of how to think and act and tend to keep them as-is, even if they're problematic.
P34. Kids scream, "Monster in the hallway!", and hide behind the couch. They stack up cushions for protection and plan their defense. They know there's not really a monster in the hallway, but it's exciting to feel the adrenaline of panic, to make a shelter and feel safe. One kid yells, "The floor is lava!" Leaping between furniture is a fun challenge. One slips and wails, "Help! I'm falling! Save me!" Now one kid can feel protected, while the other gets to be the rescuing hero. Mom calls, "Pancakes are ready!, and all stories stop when the kids run into the kitchen. Kids believe anything fun for a while. It's called "make believe" because they're making up beliefs. The game has a purpose. Each belief gives them a new situation, and lets them adopt a new role like protector or inventor. Grown-ups have their own version of make believe, none of these statements are true. But we like the way it feels to believe:
"Everything happens for a reason."
"Those people are evil."
"I would be creatively prolific if I would quit my job."
P40. When I'm feeling troubled, it helps to look around at reality. Am I in physical danger? No. I'm in a room. I'm safe. It's a reminder that the trouble is in my head. So I get away from all people and media to avoid all viewpoints, opinions, and drama. I shut off my devices. I go to a place where the natural world is untouched by humans. Ideally deep into nature and stay a few days, but a beach or a forest for an hour will do. I fill my senses with reality: wind blowing, waves crashing, plants and animals doing their things. This place was about the same a million years ago, and a million years from now, when people are gone. Nature carries on. Humans are just another chattering species, making noise like birds and dogs.
P60. Imagine you're reframing a painting. First, you remove the old frame. Then, you try different frames. Explore many different ways of looking at your situations—finding perspectives you'd never considered before. Where you felt stuck, you'll see a great way out. You'll find an angle that excites you. What was cloudy will be a clear plan of action. You'd see a smarter strategy. Where you felt haunted, you'll feel peace. These are the power of reframing.
P62. Pick something that's holding you back from what you want to do, be, or feel. It might feel like a physical fact. "I'm too old." "I can't afford it." Even if you are old and have no money, that has not stopped others, so that's not a real problem. Beliefs are often self-fulfilling. Whether you think you can or can't, you're right. Think nobody will love you? Think there are no opportunities? You can make bad dreams come true. Doubt limitations. What's another way to see it? What perspective would help? Ask better questions. "I'm too old" becomes "How can I use my age to my advantage?" "I can't afford it" becomes "How can I afford it?" Every problem becomes, "What's great about this?"
P65. Traits of useful perspectives:
Direct: Go directly for what I really want, instead of using other means to get there. This requires soul-searching of my real motivations. What do I really want? And what's the point of that? Am I keeping a job just to feel secure? Getting a university degree for the status? Starting a business for the freedom? Instead, find a more efficient path to the real end result.
Energizing: I'll think of many smart but uninspiring perspectives, then one makes me bolt straight up in my seat, full of excitement. It inspires me to take immediate action. Note that fear is a form of excitement.
Self-reliant: It doesn't depend on anything out of my control. It doesn't need anyone's approval or involvement. It doesn't need anything to change. It works no matter what happens. It's about the process, not the outcome.
Balancing: Lately I've had too much of something, and not enough of something else. Comfort versus challenge. Social-time versus me-time. Exploring versus focusing. Prioritizing what's been neglected.
Selfless: I see myself from the outside, and know that I basically don't matter. My needs are nothing compared to other people's, so how can I help? "Useful" means for them and the greater good.
Selfish: Generosity can go too far. Protect the goose that lays the golden egg. Practice healthy self-respect and self-care that comes from self-worth.
Lucid and lasting: Coming from a good state of mind, not angry, hurt, envious, or upset—not even ecstatically happy. It's smart, and still seems like a good perspective a day a week later when I'm in a different state.
Test first: No matter how certain I feel, test an idea in reality. Before deciding, try it. Before buying something big, rent it, more than once. Before quitting, take a break.
Healthy: Do the right thing—do what's wise and good—even if I don't feel like it. Ask my idealized highest self how to think of this.
Long-term: In the big picture of my whole life, this is just a phase. Keep my eyes on the horizon. Short-term discomfort or pain can bring a deeply fulfilling reward. Serve the future.
Compensating for bias and prejudice: Correcting a bias, like my example of bowling and frisbee, earlier in the book. Do the opposite of my instincts. If I tend to walk away, I choose to stay. When I notice I'm prejudiced against something. I choose to get to know it and appreciate it. These have been the best beliefs for personal growth.
P71. You can do anything. But you can't do everything. You have to decide. If you don't decide, you get nothing. You can think of a hundred paths to follow. But you can't follow them all. Use time. One path now. Other paths may be later. Otherwise, you'll never get anywhere. How do you know what's the best choice? Trick questions. No choice is the best in itself. A choice becomes the best when you choose it. That's when you make your decision congruent. You find plenty of proof to support it. Evidence against it is useless. You align yourself with your choices. Best of all, you take action. By letting go of other options, you concentrate your energy and time. You make it part of your identity, and act accordingly. You become effective. You do the work that makes it a great choice.
P73. You load the program into the computer, and it begins its calculations. It's computing. It's working hard, and it's going to take some time. If you interrupt it with new instructions, it has to begin all over again, because the parameters have changed. If you keep giving it new information, it will never finish its job. People who tell me they are lost and running in circles have one thing in common: They say they keep listening to podcasts, reading books, watching videos, doing courses—talking in more and more information—and still don't know what to do. Consider the computer metaphor for yourself. You've taken in so much information, and heard so many instructions. That's enough input. It's time for output. Run the program. Stop interrupting yourself with new information. Let yourself execute one plan of action, and see it through to fruition.
P79. Your outside doesn't need to match your inside. You can feel terrified inside, but just pretend to be brave for one minute. By doing that, you were actually brave. You might be a total introvert, but need to attend an event, so you act social for one hour. By pretending to be social, you were. You can imitate your role model. Many top performers have an alter ego—a Jekyll to their Hyde or vice-versa—a side of themselves they personify and bring out when needed. It's not Marie who negotiates. It's El Tigre. I wasn't usually in the mood to be a good dad. But knowing how important it is, I'd collect my strength and do the right thing for a few minutes or hours—a short burst of being who my boy needed me to be. After years of that, we have an amazing relationship, and he tells everyone he has the best dad ever. You are your actions. Your actions are you. Your self-image doesn't matter as much. When you realize what you need to do, it doesn't mean that's who you need to be. You can just pretend.
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